Sarah

I didn't think it would be so hard. I'm heartbroken.

Well things are ok. Christmas is coming up and I have no money, so its going to suck this year. Usually I have my credit card and can put some presents on there, but since I was off all summer that is not an option.

Jordan got his first tooth and has a second one coming in. Its so cute. He doesn't let you look at it much though, he covers it with his tongue. He sits up for like 5 mins at a time. Hes so pretty. I can't believe he's 6 months old already. Geez, time flies.

I got a new phone and it sucks big time.

I totally blew it :( :(

Last night was perfect!

I still can't believe what happened over the weekend. I feel so bad for Kerri and Angelina. I dont know what to do for them. I want to call Kerri but I have no clue what to say. Kati is going to get some money together for them, I think that is a good idea.  

 

Something like this makes you realize how precious life is. Never forget that. Always let the people you love know you love them.

 

RIP Josh

You'll be missed

 

Well things are still really weird. I still have a lot of the feelings that I had last post. I dont think we'll ever be as good as we once were. We talk but not really. I feel as though its a never ending battle. And Im not sure I have the strength to fight it anymore. He is my number 1 pick, but I dont think I'm his. He is my best friend (well not lately) and I tell him everything. I am barely even his friend. He talks to everyone but me.  I'll eventually get what I deserve.

 

Me and Jordan went to Kati's house on Wednesday. Jordan liked it over there. He likes his aunt and uncle. Uncle Chris even held him....twice! It was nice to hang out with them again. I havent seen Kati in forever.

Jordan is still sick. I feel bad he is always really stuffy when he wakes up. And he sleeps like crap.

 

Do you ever wonder who will really be there for you? Who you can trust, who you cant? Who tells you the truth and who says what will only help them out?

I've been sick the past few days and since all I've been doing is laying around its given me some time to think. I think my life is pretty fucked up. I think I screwed up a long time ago and will never live up to my potential. I think there are very few people in my life that actually accept me for me. I think there are very few people who actually know me.

Crystal, I've been thinking a lot and the first time I talked to you, you said you wanted to talk to Jeff like once a month just to see how things were going....I cant help but notice that it hasn't even been a month and you've talked to him quite a few times.  I hate to say this, but it makes me a little suspicious about the whole friend thing....and what does Ben think about you guys talking so much? I'm not trying to start shit, but like I said I've had a lot of time to think.

Jacqui, sorry I never made it to the bar the other night. I read your journal sorry to hear about all your pregnancy problems. If you need to talk about the whole pregnancy thing dont forget that it wasn't all that long ago that I was. I know I suck at answering my phone, and calling people back, but if you leave a message saying to need to talk, I will stay up past 9pm and call you back when Jordan goes to sleep. Not that I dont just want to shoot the shit, but usually I just chill and relax when he goes to bed. You'll understand soon enough. :P

Kati, I hope you are feeling better. That is a very cute picture of you and Chris. If we can't get together at night maybe we can meet one day for lunch. Or you know you can come visit me, Jordan is usually in bed between 6:30 and 8, so you could come over after that and we could hang. We'll figure something out. I'll send you some pictures of Jordan.

Jordan is getting so big he weighs over 16 pounds now, and eats like a piggy. I'd put a picture on here but I have no clue how to.

We got a new tv and surround sound system I love it. I helped pick out the surround sound, I had to have one that played the radio, and let me say it sounds pretty sweet.

Danny and Jesse move in on Saturday, it will be nice to have them so close. I heard theres been some break ins and it freaks me out a little.

 

 

TRIFLIN, TRIFLIN, TRIFLIN........

So, he says he went out to dinner with someone from work last week. And I'm suppose to believe that after he lied about even going. I'll admit it was wrong for me to go through his stuff, but if he would let me in on his life I wouldn't have to. He said "Same old Sarah annoy the fuck out of Jeff, cant just let him think." If you love someone and want to be with them how much time do you need to think? He's talking to some other girl...has she been in MY HOUSE? Are they dating? Is he kissing her, making love to her? Is he using MY CD to set the mood? Are his hands on her, instead of on me? I haven't even moved out yet. I can only stay at my moms until Friday..then what? He wants to say I broke up with him...so thats an excuse for dating someone already? You went out to eat the day we broke up........what the fuck!!!!!

What is wrong with girls that they want to come in the middle of a relationship? If you know me and Jeff, then you know we break up at least 2 times a year.......so why waste your time and mine? All I know is that I would not want to get involved with someone who just broke up not even a week ago, and has a baby. You know there's gonna be baby-mama-drama. What the fuck is wrong with girls?

Crystal, your not the one who fucked up our relationship, Jeff is. If he would have just came to me about it, things would have been different. At this point I dont care if he talks to you, we've talked and we're cool. If he didn't lie and say he didn't want to be friends with you, when he obviously does, things would be different.

The thought of him being with another girl makes me want to throw up. How could he do this to me? I cant even talk about it cuz it makes me cry and freak out.

I told him today that he didn't give a shit about me, and he says "yeah i dont give a shit about you" well if you did Jeff, you wouldn't be talking to another girl.

Its been a while. Things are good with Jordan.

Its down the shitter we go. I wish I could be in your brain. I wish you would talk to me. How can everything we have just disappear? Was it all a lie? Do you really love me? How can you look me in my face and lie? I am one the fence about one.........but how can you talk to the other? I thought it had been about a year, so why now? Why can you talk to them and not me? You only talk to the people you dont have a "label" with, what about me?

So why is it that people always have to rain on your parade? Its as if they dont know life is hard enough without having stupid whores talking shit about you. Everyone has skeletons in their closets, so why is it when someone's open's the door everyone has to make a big deal? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Cuz I'm about to throw a fucking brick through someones. Just wait a few months and everything will be different. Its not even the fact that my skeleton came out, its the fact that everyone has to take that fact to the next level. Cant just take things at face value, cuz thats not good enough, we just have to make it sound more scandalous than it really is. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This last week has sucked ass. If it gets any worse I dont think I'll be able to handle it. I might just dig a hole and live in it.

Oh and by the way I know I'm a dirrty, slutty, whore. I also know I'm a stupid bitch. So if all you immature people could refrain from telling me something I already know it would be well appreciated. Cuz I'm sure you sick of hearing the truth about you, you whore.

So I hope that everyone has a wonderful day. Unless I dont like you and then I hope you die.

Peace

Welp I need a second job and I just cant get motivated to go find one. But if I dont soon Im gonna end up in over my head. Lets see nothing new is going on in the love department. Nothing old either. I miss Kati I haven't seen her in forever. I talk to her hear and there but we just cant seem to get together. Maybe tomorrow night or tonight. I had a pretty crazy weekend. Yeah. I dont care what you lied about before, what I care about is you not lying any more. For my birthday (which is only a couple weeks away (9-11)) my dad is flying JUDITH home. YIPPIE!!!!!!! She comes on wednesday and leaves on sunday. Shes staying with me so that is like 4 whole days of me and her. I'm so excited I cant even explain it. I cant wait to have her here. She'll set me straight and be able to give me opinions on things she cant right now. I MISS HER SOOOO MUCH.

La La La.......well not much going on. Last night I went to Zak's sister's house with Bill and AJ. Bill was a little tipsy. Then we went to Denny's. Fun.

Tonight I dont know, maybe bowling if Jacqui doesn't have to work.

It will hurt, it will hurt bad, but it has to be done. And that is that. I have made up my mind and I'm sad about what I've decided. But it has to be done. Wish me luck.

Well I went up north this weekend with my mommy. I had so much fun. But I had a little trouble having fun, cuz I've been thinking. And I think Thursday was the last straw, for me to look at my life and say I need a change. I was doing good for a while, I stayed out of trouble, then I fell right back into my old bad habits. How is it so hard to be good and so easy to be bad? I dont like it. Nope not at all. I am done with a lot of shit. Not shit that needs to be brought up on here.

Jacqui - I'm done with Thursday's being how they've been. From now on no one sleeps at my house but me, and sometimes Jeff. I cannot have my house trashed anymore and I need to make a change in my life. And as much as I love you I cant do that with you. You are in party mode like all the time, and I dont want to party anymore. At least not like I have been. I need to chill and figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I love you and we can still go out to dinner and shopping but I just cant party with you right now. Sorry, and its more about my not having enough self control then it is about you.

Kati - I dont think you read this all to often anymore but if you do read this call me. I need to talk to you. Like a sit in the driveway on a blanket and drink talk. Just you and me.

Emily - CALL ME WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM FLORIDA AND READ THIS BITCH!!!! :)

OK well I guess that covers everything. Except this, I love you and you know that. I've made mistakes and I cant take back what I've done. I dont want to tell you what I've done just like I dont want to know what you've done. But know that I love you and if we aren't together I wish you the best with whoever you decide to be with.

Hey there everyone!!! I'm alive and kickin...in case you were wondering. I dont update much cuz I dont have a computer and well when I'm at one I usually dont feel like it. But today is your lucky day.

Nothing is really going on in my life. I go out every Thursday with Jacqui and other then that I'm usually at my apartment just chillin. I love living by myself. Its nice.

My love life...nothing. Well nothing worth telling the whole world about. If you are close to me you know and I guess I'm just sick of shit starting because of the damn internet. So I just keep my thoughts to myself or tell my friends.


Yeah well hope everyone has a good summer.

Peace out homies

So last night I got a little wasted. Out of 3 I was about 2 sheets to the wind. Whatever that means. Me, Jacqui, and Timmy went up to the bar. I had a lot of fun. I love going there, I think we are going again in two weeks. I'm excited. Next time I will not drink so much.

If you cant accept me for me then oh well. I'm not compromising myself for anyone. I did not do anything wrong last night. I drank, danced and had fun. Thats it.

Well I got the keys to my apartment yesterday. :) :) :) I'm excited to get in there. I'm moving all my big stuff on Saturday. But I think I'm going to camp out on the floor on Friday. I think it will be fun.

Today I am going to school. I am going to school. I really mean it I am going. If I dont go I'll probably fail. Ahh well, maybe I wont go. After school I think I'm going to swing by Kati's to say HELLO.

This weekend I plan to get wasted like I was last friday. That was a goood time. So girls get ready for Saturday, its going to be a girls only. Of course we will have to have the boys buy but thats it.

When it comes to being lucky hes cursed

When it comes to me he's worse

 

La di da da da toooo YOOUUU

 

Sitting at Jacs trying to figure out what we are going to do. Hmmm wonder if it will involve drinking?!?

Typing on this damn thing is kind of annoying.

I have so many confusing feelings. I want to move on, but I want to hold on. I know what my head says (most of the time) but I know what my heart says too. I hate having a broken heart. Can someone just put a band-aid on it please?